We had gotten pregnant in June, but did not know it and lost the baby at the end of July. The following week we had an appointment with the fertility specialist. A few weeks later there was one ovum, and despite our odds, we did an IUI before trying more extensive treatment. I knew immediately that we were pregnant, but because we had just lost a pregnancy the month before, I kept my mouth shut and prayed. My husband had taken me to the Bristol NASCAR night race, because apparently that is the best race. And as timing would have it, we took a pregnancy test in the camper, and it was positive! We immediately shared the news and justified myself in knowing that our family and friends would support us, even if we lost this baby. But that wasn't going to happen this time, I knew this time it would be different. Our friends and family laughed that we had found out at a NASCAR race...in a camper, and my husband jokingly told everyone we conceived at the race. I remember laughing with friends that I would never name my baby after a Nascar race; But life is a rollercoaster and I have learned that you should never, say never. Pregnancy suited me. I was happy and had never felt better, and enjoyed watching my body grow and change. You hear the horror stories of women being sick all the time, and I considered myself one of the lucky ones. I thought God must be taking care of me since He knew how much we wanted this! Even though I had been raised in a church, I had gotten off track after going to college. It's not that I didn't believe, I just didn't whole heartedly accept the Bible and the reality of one God. After the IUI was successful, and knowing our odds against the pregnancy taking, I began to open my heart to God. I knew He had made that pregnancy happen...our odds were just so slim. My husband and I started attending church on a regular basis, and my faith started to grow. I began to open my heart and eyes to the wonderful works of our Lord. My husband and I joined our church on December 13, 2009, the Sunday before our ultrasound appointment. We almost put off joining church that Sunday because we had guests coming over for lunch and really needed to clean the house. But God works in mysterious ways. We went ahead and joined that Sunday, thinking we would just join and head out early- we had things to do!
The following Thursday was our 20 week appointment and I was so excited. This was the first appointment my husband would be able to attend since his work schedule had conflicted with our other appointments. I had been to the doctor at 17 weeks and had been able to record the heartbeat for our families to hear, I was so excited to be able to see our baby alive and moving inside of me! They called our name and I nearly ran down the hall to the ultrasound room. I laid on the table, and with my husband by my side, watched a dark and silent ultrasound. My heart was in my throat..."where's the heartbeat?" I asked the technician. She ignored me and said she was taking measurements. My husband reassured me she wasn't doing that part yet. But I knew at that very moment something was terribly wrong. The screen was silent and still, what had happened?! What happened next is a blur. The physician came in and told us the baby's heart had stopped. Our baby had died and based on measurements had been dead a week or two. We had two choices: go to the hospital now and deliver the baby, or go home and come back when we were ready. I somehow managed to ask the doctor if we could just do a D&C, she said no, we were too far along in the pregnancy. Oh my God I thought, I have to deliver a dead baby.
I told my husband that I couldn't do that, I am not strong enough I said through my tears. The doctor just held my hand. I decided to go ahead and go to the hospital, I didn't think I could manage going home and having to come back, knowing what we faced.
We got to the hospital and they took us to the labor and delivery floor. Really? We had to be on a floor of happy pregnant people awaiting the birth of their live babies. I was angry and heartbroken. How unfair! We got settled in and our doctor came to talk with us- she explained the process of inducing labor and told us it could take several hours, even days before the baby was born. My body was simply not ready to deliver.
I remember laying in the hospital bed with my husband, each of us crying and holding on to each other. How could this have happened, I just heard the heartbeat a few weeks ago. I never felt anything or knew anything was wrong. I have never felt so alone or helpless in my life. Alright God, this is in your hands I prayed. I need you to give me strength to get through this, to give me strength during the delivery. Lord, open my heart to you and erase my doubts. Lord, comfort me, heal me, and bless our child. Lord forgive me. Thank you Lord for the amazing man you have led me to and help us through this. I can not explain to you, the amount of overwhelming peace I felt that night. For the first time in my life, I felt the presence of God and knew. I truly believed.
The next day, December 18, 2009 was a blur. The contractions started and I didn't want any pain medicine. I needed to feel this, I knew I needed to be aware of what was happening in order to help me heal emotionally. With my husband by my side, and an amazing nurse and doctor, our baby was born at 3:20 pm. I remember pushing during the labor and thinking, I can't do this. But my husband held my hand, whispered in my ear "I love you" and with the doctor's encouragement of "one more push honey and this will be done" I was able to do it. God surrounded me by an amazing group of strong, faithful people. God gave me strength to get through this terrible experience.
After our baby was born, we were faced with a plethora of decisions. We decided to name our baby Bristol. We hadn't really discussed names yet, as we had waited until we were past the "safe" mark, so we didn't have any favorite names to choose from. Since we had discovered our pregnancy at Bristol, we decided that was the most fitting name for our baby. I did, afterall, name my baby after a NASCAR race.
My husband had invited our parents to visit us at the hospital- I did not want anyone there when we found out. I had emotionally shut down but thankfully my husband knew we needed our parents there. The nurse brought Bristol in for us to say our goodbyes. My mother-in-law, mother, and father each got to hold and say hello and goodbye to Bristol. Looking back, I know God was with us...I was able to say hello and goodbye to my daughter with amazing strength and sense of peace. We always say, everything happens for a reason. But if we truly believe that, then I have to believe God had a purpose for Bristol's life. If losing Bristol meant that I would renew my faith in God and truly believe...then I can only thank God for giving me Bristol, even if for just a short time, because she saved my life.
When God takes something from your grasp, He's not punishing you, but merely opening your hands to receive something better. The will of God will never take you where the grace of God will not protect you.
I'm sitting here crying, Katie. I had no idea. I'm so broken for your loss; and at the same time, so filled with joy for the relationship that you've found. I pray that the Lord takes every ounce of your pain and heartache and weaves it in to this tapestry of life. You are in my prayers.
ReplyDeleteKatie, stay strong and thank your for sharing your story. You are brave and soulful and many will learn from you.
ReplyDeleteKatie, you are absolutely one of the most amazing women I have ever met. I'm so glad you decided to start this blog...not only will you help yourself heal, you may help some other women heal as well. God bless you!
ReplyDeleteThere are no words to tell you how sorry I am for your loss. And I want you to know you have amazing strength to be able to write this down and share it with everyone. Also your renewed faith has really made me start to evaluate mine, and you have inspired me to try to get close to the Lord again. Thank You. I will be praying for you.
ReplyDeleteKatie,
ReplyDeleteMy heart aches for you and Brad! Your story is so beautiful and heart wrenching at the same time! You and Brad are in our thoughts and prayers everyday. I can relate with you on losing a child, as I've lost 6. It's a roller coaster ride. But with your faith in God, it makes it somewhat easier. Thank you for sharing Bristol with us. I can only imagine how beautiful she is.
Blessings,
Jen
Katie, What a beautiful testament of God's love! Your strength will touch and create ripples for God's kingdom all over the world. You wait and see what He has in store for you. It will be more than you and Brad can imagine. It's hard for me to think of you as a grown woman, as I still see you as that cute little, drama-eyed kindergartner. You have grown into one amazing woman of God.
ReplyDeleteEphesians 3: 14-21
"For this reason I kneel before the Father, from whom his whole family in heaven and on earth derives its name. I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God.
Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen.
Bless you!
Love,
Dianna Bennis xoxo
P.S. I think Bristol is a beautiful name.
ReplyDeleteKatie,
ReplyDeleteYou don't know me, but I have known your mom and dad since we were kids.
You all have been in my prayers throughout all of this.
What a beautiful testament of your faith. We don't always have the answers, but we know God is in control and He loves us!
I continue to lift you all in prayer.
In Him,
Lisa Markward Howser
Louisville, KY
Katie,
ReplyDeleteFirst off, i just wanted to say that you are an amazing woman, you and Brad are so lucky to have each other! Second, thank you for sharing this (even though i was crying my eyes out) it really touched me. It really makes you think about your own faith and makes me question how i would handle something like this. As we talked about the other night, Jason and I lost a child as well but was only about 5 weeks along. I didn't get to see it, hold it, or have to go through the pain of delivering it. So i can't imagine how that would feel and what kind of courage it took, but you did and that shows how brave and courageous you are. Even though i didn't get to see my baby, it still hurts and i still carry that with me but like you said, God had a plan for that child just like he did with Bristol. You are a strong, beautiful, caring woman and in my eyes a wonderful mom. You are a mom Katie, you mothered and nurtured Bristol even though it might have been a short time, but you loved her like a mother does. And you gave her to God, something i don't know if i was ever asked to do that i could do. It reminds me of the story of Abraham and Issac, where God asks Abraham to sacrifice Issac to show his faith. In my eyes, there couldn't be a better way to show your love for God.
As I read your blog, I recall me and my wife Karen being in the same sad situation you and Brad were just in. It was 1994 and our first baby was one the way. Everything looked good for the pregnancy. Karen went for a routine checkup and during the the ultrasound the doctor found no heart beat. We went to the hospital immediately to make sure. We were about 8 months along. Nothing in this world is more devastating than losing a child! Hannah would be 16 this December! No one should have to bury their own child! Your children are supposed to bury you! We went on to have Sarah and Conner with no problems, but the hurt will never totally go away. But it will ease with time. Remember that Bristol is with Jesus and that's a good place to be! We will continue to pray for you and Brad.
ReplyDeleteYour cousin,
Mark and Karen Adams
I am sitting here, on a Monday morning with nothing but my thoughts to keep me company. I ran into your mom at a floral shop this past Saturday to pick up a single rose to mark one month passing of our sweet girl, Harper. As your mom and I made small talk, the loss of my daughter came up (as it awkwardly seems to these days...what do I say, how do I respond without making the person I'm talking to uncomfortable?). God had another agenda, she didn't feel awkward, didn't respond uncomfortably; instead she told me of her daughter who also lost a baby too soon. She told me how her daughter started a beats for Bristol website to lend out Doppler's for subsequent pregnancies. After going to the cemetery and pausing for a moment to think of my sweet girl, I couldn't stop thinking of the website. I stumbled across your blog through beats for Bristol and couldn't stop reading. I sat there on my phone, feeling my heart strings tugging at a story so similar to mine. Thank you for sharing and for for being an inspiration to me.
ReplyDelete