Thursday, August 4, 2011

emotionally vulnerable, physically broken

Today has been a rough day...actually the last couple of weeks have been building up, and today was the culmination of sleep deprivation, stress, emotions, and hormones colliding. It didn't dawn on me until tonight, why I am experiencing another dip on this emotional roller coaster. It's August. August is the month we increased fertility treatment efforts and were able to get pregnant with Bristol. August is the month we had that first positive pregnancy test- and yes, August is the month of the Bristol NASCAR Race, where we discovered that positive pregnancy test. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think of Bristol, and certain dates and memories stand out. As we approach the end of the month, I am reminded of the joy, excitement, and anticipation we experienced learning of our pregnancy. Only to be followed by the incredible heartache that we endured, and the hurt that still lingers.

I don't think I fully admitted to anyone (including myself) of the anxiety I have felt knowing that silly NASCAR race is approaching. Brad is going to the race again this year. Last year I was able to skip the race because I was pregnant and the thought of a long ride in the truck, sleeping in a camper, hot walks, and being sober around a crowd of intoxicated rednecks was not my idea of fun. (I say this with a heart of humor!) But this year, I didn't have a good reason to miss the race (other than being away from Brody!!). And as it would happen, a girls trip got planned, so I will be taking Brody on a beach vacation the same weekend as the race. (I am so thankful that I will be surrounded by some great friends, on a weekend that will forever be stamped on my heart.) I know Brad wanted me to go to the race with him, but I couldn't find it in me, to return to that race track and face those memories. Last year, although these memories were present, I was pregnant and able to focus my energy on that. But this year resembles too much of that fateful August 2009 and perhaps, that is why I am battling my emotions.

A few months ago, I started fertility treatment again. The ups and downs of hormone therapy, blood work, ultrasounds, ovulation tests (all of which have been negative), the frustrations, and emotional turmoil are an all too familiar memory. This is what we went through to get pregnant with Bristol, and look what happened. I can't seem to release Satan's grasp on my fears. On one hand, it is an awesome reminder of what a blessing and (I truly believe) miracle baby that Brody is. But on the other, Satan's grasp has me asking questions...Is this a sign that Brody is meant to be our only earthly baby? Maybe this is God's way of saying this isn't meant to happen. And leads me to feeling even more emotionally vulnerable and physically broken. Taking large doses of hormones and fertility medicine, only to find that it doesn't work, is depressing. I recently finished the dose/regiment that was successful with Bristol, only I didn't ovulate this time. It brings out all the "d" words...depressing, defeated, disheartening, despair. Which in turn, has led me to try something different.

Hormone therapy and fertility treatment is not only expensive, but it isn't fun. It leaves you feeling like a train wreck, having hot flashes and major mood swings. A lady from church told me about her 'dr' and gently suggested I see him for fertility. She is a naturalist, and I say that with the utmost sincerity. So I decided to try something body isn't responding to fertility treatment, so what do I have to lose? My first appointment was Tuesday and I learned a new word: alphabiotics. My follow up appointment was today, and my mother accompanied me to help watch Brody. She commented that the office was full of hippies, and maybe that's what comes to mind when I say "naturalist" and alphabiotics. But I have to say, there is something incredibly refreshing and reassuring when the dr talks about God, faith, and healing during a conversation about fertility.

In my short exposure to alphabiotics, I have learned that it is a cross of medical practice and religion. It is concerned about the damage that unrelieved stress can have on the body and focuses on correcting the structure of the body (by chiropractor), to improve function. ( Brad calls it my 'voo-doo doctor', and others may remark that it's holistic, new age, or the like. I went into my initial appointment open minded and skeptical, but left feeling re-energized, reconnected, and encouraged. Everything he said during my initial exam, made sense. And I feel physically better than I have the past couple of months. I'd rather spend my money and feel better, than spend my money and feel like an emotional disaster! So who knows if this will be successful...I'd say my chances can't be any worse than continuing fertility meds that aren't working. One of the things the voo-doo dr said was that God created us with all the parts to reproduce, and there is a God given power within us to do that. He made us perfect in his eyes, and wants our bodies to be healthy. If we can focus on Him, reduce our stress and realign our bodies, then we (with the power of the holy spirit) will heal ourselves. Sound crazy or voo-dooish? Or does it sound like an incredible leap of faith? Right now, I think I want to work with the dr who will pray with and over me...

And everything you ask in prayer believing, you shall receive.
Matthew 21:22

Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus.
Phillippians 4:6-7